“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.”
— Hal Borland
A priest, a doctor and an engineer are sentenced to death under the guillotine. The guillotine malfunctions for the priest. “Well,” says the executioner, “according to our laws, the punishment was administered, so we are done. God has spoken. You can go free.” He goes free. The doctor has the same luck. He goes free. When it’s the engineer’s turn to place his head on the faulty guillotine, he looks up and says, “Oh, I see the problem!”
Q. How does the pear get inside a Pear Brandy bottle, when the pear is whole and ripe and the bottle is genuine, and the pear hasn’t been cut in any way?
Funny you should ask!
A. It grew inside the bottle! The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems…. How ‘bout that!
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For Amusement Only
Aries Mar. 21 – Apr. 19: Going to a party? Looks like it! You’ll want to celebrate what’s coming your way in the near future. You deserve it!
Taurus Apr. 20 – May 20: Sometimes things don’t turn out the way we hoped and dreamed, but serendipitously, they prove to be better in the end. Stay positive.
Gemini May 21 – June 20: Please yourself this time before pleasing others. You’re worthy of the same respect you show others. Be good to yourself.
Cancer June 21 – July 22: Growing can be painful but necessary to realize our dreams. It’s not the end result, so much as the wisdom gained that matters more.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22: How many different ways can you beat a dead horse? Give up. Move on, and treat yourself the way you deserve – better!
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22: Once you’re on your feet, you’ll see what you missed – and that’s a blessing, to prevent a recurrence.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22: Someone needs you but isn’t aware of it. Keep your ear to the ground, your shoulder to the wheel, and your ego in check to be of real help.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: As in the Stones song, we don’t always get what we want, but we get what we need. Believe it and grow!
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21: Everyone needs a break now and then. March is here, so take one, if only from the humdrum and predictable. Variety is the spice of life!
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19: Over and over you keep going over the same ponderings. Keep going. Things will finally come into focus through effortless action.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18: Proper footwear makes things easier. So does proper planning. Take nothing for granted to get there, and you’ll be surprised where you end up!
Pisces Feb. 19 – Mar. 20: Pour on the charm and display that charisma that’s worked so well in the past. The future needs you to, to grant your wishes.
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The doctor told me I had to quit drinking alcohol – immediately … IMMEDIATELY! It was a very difficult decision for me to make, but at the end of the day, I had to make a decision. So, I stopped! I STOPPED going to a doctor for advice. Who needs that kind of negativity in their life?!
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on his posterior by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor”, the other one says. He runs, portages and thumbs a ride 10 miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor. The doctor is delivering a baby at the time. “I can’t leave”, says the doctor, “but here’s what to do … Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.” The guy says, “Thanks, Doc!”, and heads back to his friend, thumbing a ride for 10 miles, portaging and running to the campsite. He finds his friend in agony. “What did the doctor say?”, the poor victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
Apparently, this is a true story … a man, completely beside himself with grief and sorrow, hoped to win back his girlfriend by mailing her love letter after love letter. She never responded to any of them. Undeterred, he continued to write to her. Over the course of 2 years, he had mailed her over 800 letters with no response from her. Finally, he received a letter from her … announcing her engagement … to the mailman!!
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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