Orillia

January 25, 2023

Editors Quote Book

“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.”

— Willie Nelson

Those Crazy Americans

• In Florida, only on Sundays, it is illegal for a single woman to skydive.
• In California, you can’t legally buy a mousetrap without a hunting license.
• In Texas, it is illegal to swear in front of a corpse.
• In Georgia, it is illegal to eat fried chicken with a fork.
• In Minnesota, it is illegal to tease skunks.
• In St. Louis, Missouri, it is illegal for a firefighter to rescue undressed women [even if they’re wearing a nightgown].
• In Wyoming, in June, it is illegal to take a picture of a rabbit.
• In Columbus, Ohio, it is illegal to sell cornflakes on Sundays.
• In Minnesota, it is illegal to be naked in bed.

911

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing. His eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cell phone and frantically calls 911. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

On Aging

• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old. It’s the knowledge that he’s married tro a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie
• “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.” – Bill Dana
• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened!” – Jennifer Yale
• “The older I get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.” – Will Rogers
• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that didn’t happen. – Mark Twain
• “The older I get, the better looking I used to be.” – Steve McDonough
• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.” – George Carlin
• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney
• “When I was young, I was called a ‘rugged individualist’. When I was in my 50’s, I was considered ‘eccentric’. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labelled ‘senile’.” – George Burns

Trivia Quiz

(Click Question For Answer)

Your Horoscope

For Amusement Only

Aries Mar. 21 – Apr. 19: Here we go again! This time, try a different tact for a different result. Be “cause” instead of “effect”!

Taurus Apr. 20 – May 20: The coming weeks will bring new opportunities in various areas if you stay open to them.

Gemini May 21 – June 20: Picture a sunny day in your favourite season … no problems, no worries. Now … go make it happen!

Cancer June 21 – July 22: Health matters surface. Pay close attention to what you’re eating and try to get more sleep.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22: Putting yourself out to help others, Leo, is the easiest way to lasting happiness, but begin small.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22: Pouring gas on a flame is not the way to solve a problem. Try to realize how much the other party means to you.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22: Round and round we go. Where we stop, only you can know. Pay attention to the clues and take a step forward.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: Enjoy some “ME” time. It’s good for you. Then settle down to get a serious amount of work done. It will pay off!

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21: There are no 2 ways about it, Sagitarius, you are a good person! Let others see that and emulate it.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19: Pay special attention this week to someone who needs you, but doesn’t know it. Subtly, offer them a hand.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18: To keep a problem from resurfacing at an inconveient time, face it head on, while YOU’RE in charge.

Pisces Feb. 19 – Mar. 20: Everyone has a dream. Write yours down, and read it everyday until the steps to get there surface.

Did You Know?

Good Customer Service

An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit”, she says to the mortician. The mortician says, “We’ll take care of it, Ma’am”, and yells back, “Yo, Ed! Switch the heads on 2 and 4!”

A German Shepherd, A Doberman and A Cat Died …

In heaven all 3 faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in. The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master.” “Good!”, said God. “Sit at my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?” The Doberman answered, “I believe in love, care and protection of my master.” God said, “Good! You may sit at my left.” Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?’ The cat replied, “ I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

Odds & Ends

• Growing your own tomatoes is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving $2.17.
• My grandson made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic, so I changed the WiFi password. We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 5 minutes.
• I’ll be honest … if people heard what I was thinking half the time, I would either be in jail or in a mental hospital.
• Easter egg hunts are proof that kids can find things when they want to.
• Egg salad is still chicken salad, when you think about it.

The Last Word

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us …
at age 40, we don’t care what others think of us …
at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.