“Divorce is nature’s way of telling you that you’re making too much money!”
— Johnny Carson, after his first divorce.
“Divorce is a suit that takes YOU to the cleaners!”
— Johnny Carson, after his second divorce.
“Taken aback” … meaning: Jolted by unpleasant news at a momentary loss.
Origin: A sudden shift in the wind or unexpected squall hitting the ship from a different direction could cause the sails to be blown back against the masts, resulting in damage bad enough to render the ship helpless.
“The coast is clear” … meaning: All is well, proceed unhindered.
Origin: During the days of smuggling contraband from France to England, a boy would ride a white horse, visible at night, along the top of the cliffs to signal no Revenue Men were around.
“A square meal” … meaning: A substantial meal.
Origin: Sailors ate their meals off square wooden plates with a raised edge called a fiddle. If a sailor overfilled his plate, he was said to be “on the fiddle” and could be punished.
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Aries Mar. 21 – Apr. 19: Compare and contrast the pros and cons of that decision coming. Ask for help if needed.
Taurus Apr. 20 – May 20: Everyone needs a special friend to lean on sometimes. Be that friend, Taurean, as you’re leaning on another.
Gemini May 21 – June 20: A loved one is going to need your love and guidance. Be prepared and there for them.
Cancer June 21 – July 22: Wearing your heart on your sleeve may reveal more than is prudent. Calm down and let nature take it’s course.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22: Keep your eyes open for a great opportunity, Leo. It may not be what you’re looking for, but could be better.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22: It takes a village to raise a child, Virgo, but you – alone – are not a village. Seek help with a loved one!
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22: Good things are coming! Be calm. Be patient, and then go into it with your eyes open!
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: Already you’re beginning to see cracks in their armour. Don’t let others be fooled.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21: Some say reality is an acquired taste. You appear to need more of it in your life. Come back down to earth.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19: Once a leprecaun, always a leprechaun! Try to tone down the hilarity, and get more serious about things.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18: Don’t get caught up in the minutiae of a situation, though tempting. See the big picture and its meaning.
Pisces Feb. 19 – Mar. 20: Can’t see the forest for the trees? Try to, especially in the week ahead. Seek help from a friend if necessary.
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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? ‘To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? ‘He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving? ‘She is a government employee
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’
1998: “Don’t get in a car with strangers.”
2008: “Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”
2023: “UBER … Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car with – alone!
Practical advice: If all the toilets in your house are occupied and you are waiting for one to be free, switch off the WiFi!