March 22, 2023
Editors Quote Book
“You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”
— Cormac McCarthy
As Phyllis Diller Sees It…
- As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?
- Cleaning the house while the kids are still growing up is like shoveling the driveway before it stops snowing.
- The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same thing in public.
- A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Most children threaten at times to run away from home … This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Any time 3 New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
- We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up!
- Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room!
- What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- My photographs don’t do me justice. They look just like me.
- Tranquilizers only work if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children!
A Lesson In Compassion
Three Bell workers were working atop a phone tower. As they started their descent, Jim slipped, fell off the tower, and was killed instantly. As the ambulance took Jim away, John said, “Well, now somebody has got to go and tell Jim’s wife. Joe said, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitivity stuff. I’ll do it.” Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of beer. John asked, “Where’d you get the beer, Joe?” “Jim’s wife gave it to me”, Joe replied. “That’s unbelievable! You told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer??” “Well, not exactly”, Joe said. “When she opened the door, I said to her ‘You must be Jim’s widow.’ She said, ‘You must be mistaken … I’m not a widow.’ Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are’.”
(Click Question For Answer)
For Amusement Only
Aries Mar. 21 – Apr. 19: Put up or … be quiet. Try to come to terms with the situation before it blows up, or remedy it once and for all.
Taurus Apr. 20 – May 20: There is a chance that you can still turn things around IF you really want to, but that’s the decision you must make.
Gemini May 21 – June 20: Not all that’s gone awry is due to you, but accept your part in it … apologize and wait for better things to come.
Cancer June 21 – July 22: The play of life has cast you in a starring role. Savour it, be grateful for it, and it will likely cast you in it again!
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22: If you’re afraid of going to the doctor or dentist office, maybe a discussion with them prior to that appointment will ease the mind.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22: No one but you knows the REAL truth about matters evolving. Is this a good time to practise the law of silence?
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22: There is a saying that time heals all wounds. [and wounds all heals! – Ed] This is one of those times. Be patient and optimistic. You have good reason to!
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21: Everybody knows what you’re going through, Scorpio. Sympathy will come as you proceed – quietly. Be strong!
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21: Every so often, someone appears out of nowhere and turns our life upside down … just when we’ve gotten used to it. Get ready!
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19: Once upon a time there was no one to share your joys and sorrows with. You’ve come a long way, haven’t you? Count your blessings.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18: Portion off what you can do now and what can wait. You can and will accomplish a lot, but not the impossible. Be kind to yourself.
Pisces Feb. 19 – Mar. 20: Another time, another result. In the meantime, cherish the experience as a way to learn and gain wisdom. This is no small thing!
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Alternate Uses for Vicks VapoRub
- Splinters: Rub a bit on the splinter to increase healing and reduce infection risk.
- Muscle aches
- Vapourize while humidifying the air to alleviate cold symptoms.
- Mosquito repellent and remedy for bites.
- To alleviate a cough by rubbing some on the soles of the feet.
- Stretch marks
- Accident [animal] avoidance: Leave a jar open at the site of the offending “accident”, and the vapour will repel the animal.
- Toenail fungus remedy
- Headache relief: Apply a dab to the temples.
- “Cat scratch fever”: Apply to where the cat is scratching to repel it.
- Insect release: The aroma will cause ticks and other insects to release themselves from the skin and leave.
- Horses: Used on the nostrils to keep them focused during a race.
This Just In… From a Senior Woman
If my body was a car, I would be trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps, dents, scratches, and my headlights are out of focus. My gearbox is seizing up and it takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason, and everytime I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
The Last Word
Me in high school: Eats a dozen donuts at midnight … loses 3 pounds.
Me now: Goes up a pant size every time I swallow my spit
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